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> No Clowning Around, Based on the actual "clown sightings"
 Posted: Oct 9 2016, 08:02 AM
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-No Clowning Around-

[Overworld BGM: Magic Beast Farm (Final Fantasy Tactics Advance)]

Diamond City, a well-known metropolis in the United States (let alone California) that is just about the opposite of those like Los Angeles, Detroit, Gotham City, and even Metro City. Whereas crime was oftentimes out of control in those cities, Diamond City was one of the safest, thanks entirely to six of Earth's heroes, the Contras (Aaron, Ami Onuki, Bill Rizer, Lance Bean, Blaze Bomber and Arctic Bomber). No alien warmonger, Space Pirate, nor human terrorist would dare to destroy it unpunished without having to face these hard-working heroes and their friends, much less attempt to hide until the heat was off.

Still, no city is without a petty theft or two...

One day, Pit and Phosphora were visiting Diamond City from their fair kingdom, New Angel Land, up in Skyworld. Penny Crygor requested that they watch over Diamond Arcade World while she and Blaze Bomber worked on calibrating gun controllers for all the light gun games available, including two of Namco's newest arcade games: Time Crisis 5: True Mastermind Edition, and Point Blank X (the latter starring a bumbling pair whom Ralph and Felix hadn't seen in years). Of course, the star-cross'd lovers of Skyworld were more than happy to volunteer.

"Do you know when Yuffie will show up for her usual part-time shift?" asked Pit.

"Shouldn't be too long now," answered Penny. "She's just finishing up her duties as Kat and Ana's mentor at Diamond Dojo, so it'll be about an hour."

Phosphora giggled. "What better way to keep the arcade center kid-friendly, than to have a cheerful ninja girl around to make sure there's no trouble?"

Pit, on the other hand, squinted his eyes upon spotting the Point Blank X arcade machine. "Wait, you mean they made a brand-new Point Blank game after all these years? COOL!"

"Trust me, you and your friends will love it," said Blaze Bomber. "We're also bringing in the Ghostbusters arcade game from ICE, featured at Dave and Busters...and seeing how it's a ticket redemption game, Penny and I hired some Centurion Strongarms to help us set up a booth where people can cash their tickets for prizes. If it all works out, we might add some other ticket redemption games, like Connect 4, Wheel of Fortune, Deal or No Deal, Super Trivia, Angry Birds, The Simpsons Soccer, Grand Piano Keys, Monopoly, Yahtzee, and even the air hockey-themed Pac-Man Smash that supports up to four players. They will go in the Ticket Game room we plan to build, so it'll take a while before these games show up."

"Oooh, it sounds like you've also got yourselves a big competition ahead of you besides Wario!" beamed Pit. "Well, thanks again for asking us to volunteer!"

"No problem! If you have any questions, feel free to let us know. Alright, Penny, let's get to work."


Five minutes later, business was going normal as usual, but suddenly, a newspaper was tossed at the receptionist table next to Pit and Phosphora. "Boy, that delivery guy never misses, does he? Let's see here..." The angel boy unrolled the paper and looked at the front page:



"Earlier this week," says Ken the Reporter, "thieves are milling about on the sidewalks all around Diamond City, dressed up like clowns." Officer Jenny had already made her move by busting the loony crooks loitering schools, let alone Diamond Elementary, but even that has shown no signs of stopping them from doing it some more. Said "clowns" are seen performing basic acts, such as juggling, jump rope, hula hoop, etc. in an attempt to lure unsuspecting victims to be robbed on sight.

"Obviously, these bozos are trying to smear the name of children's entertainment before Halloween comes," explains Jenny. "It just wasn't enough that crooks went around luring kids in with phony PokeStops by using Pokemon GO...


Pit stopped just near the bottom of the front page, shrugging off the incident about clowns tricking people. "Ahh, we don't have any one of them to worry about."

[End BGM]
[Interlude BGM: Witchyworld (Banjo-Tooie)]

Without warning, a purple-skinned clown, disguised as the Joker, pushed open the door whilst bringing in a boombox. Parents everywhere were frightened enough to pull their children away for safety reasons. "You have now, bub!" gloated the supposed "clown."

"Hey, I recognize that voice," said Phosphora. "It's Purple Basilisk, isn't it?"

"Hee hee hee, you got me..." The "clown" honked his fake rubber nose, and put down the boombox before turning on its generic circus music. "I'll be right back to show you some tricks of mine, when that cup next to the machine gets filled with quarters! And no cops!"

But rather than alert the police and the Contras to the situation, Pit and Phosphora took it upon themselves to protect Diamond Arcade World by any means necessary. In fact, having read the newspaper already, it didn't surprise them one bit, that Aaron, Ami, Bill and Lance already have their hands full with a whole lot of thieving clowns littered in neighborhoods and public buildings, all the while Arctic Bomber was busy with her part-time job in Oakland, CA, at Arcade Bomber's Mega-Tastic Retro Entertainment. Heck, she'd be darn lucky she didn't have to deal with these weird crooks at work, let alone near her apartment...

First off, Pit picked up the boombox while Phosphora opened the front doors. "Let 'er rip, Pit!"

"Okey-dokey, Phosphy! A one, and a two...and a THREE!" He threw the boombox out with all his might, bringing relief to the parents and their children. "The coast is clear, fellas! It's run out of music!"

However, Purple Basilisk was just getting started. "Oh no, it hasn't!" He stunned the star-cross'd lovers with a taser he had Mosquito Bomber, one of his Chaotic Bombers, invent for just such an occasion. "There, the boombox and its circus music stay right here!"

Pit was the first to recover from the taser's effects. "Why, that dirty snake in the weeds..."

[Interrupt BGM]
[Fight BGM: Mr. Patch, Strange Wobbly Inflatable Thing (Banjo-Tooie)]

"Hey, I resent that, angel boy!"

Wrestling with each other over the boombox, it didn't take long for Purple Basilisk to gain the upper hand by pelting Pit with exploding cream pies. Then he focused on Phosphora with a golden coin attached by a string on his right hand. "I guess I'd better stay here and protect my business interests, but first...Watch the pretty coin of gold, and you will do as you're told. You'll grab that meddling boyfriend of yours, juggle him like a ball, and boot him out the door like a football!"

"Yes, master..." answered the Lightning Flash in a hypnotic tone of voice, wasting no time doing exactly as she was told in spite of Pit's attempts to break free.

"Ha ha ha!" the petty dictator laughed heartily, pointing his finger at Pit's misfortune. "Boy oh boy, I really like this thieving clown shindig. If it all works out, Wreck-It Ralph and his Disney pals won't know what hit 'em, as I swipe the Amulet of Avalor from their friend, Princess Sofia! That oughta show the Trix witches I'm no pathetic excuse for a ruler!"


"Ohhh...what hit me...?" Pit shook his head back and forth. He had to figure out a way to free Phosphora fast, or he would never beat Purple Basilisk at his own game. In less than a minute, he found his answer when he had just noticed a lemonade stand. Then he bought a cup for 25 cents, and wasted no time throwing the drink at Phosphora's face, breaking the hypnotic spell over her.

"H-huh? Wh-what happened?" asked Phosphora, wiping her face clean with a paper towel Pit gave her.

"He hypnotized you into punting me out, but then I freed you the way it was done in the cartoons!"

Purple Basilisk realized by then, that his jig was up. He attempted one last time to hypnotize Pit and Phosphora into getting out of his sight, but they grabbed the coin and threw it into a trash can. "Now now now, uh, t-t-take it easy, must be some kinda mistake!"

"You made the first mistake of the day," retorted Phosphora, "by jumping on the clownish bandwagon today! Hey, that rhymes!"

"Oh yeah?! Eat exploding pie!"

And so a fight broke out in the arcade center, with the star-cross'd lovers grabbing the pies and throwing them back at Purple Basilisk, covering him in soot and destroying his boombox in the process. At the same time, Penny immediately called the police, having overheard the commotion from outside the back room. "Dang! I'm outta pies...but I still got the big guns." Purple Basilisk pulled out a Poke Ball, tossing it in the middle of the entrance. "Go, Diggersby!"

"Diggerrrrsssby!" A large, portly rabbit flexed its arms and big ears. Diggersby, evolved from Bunnelby, was male (in Purple Basilisk's case, as 50% of them were male and the other 50% female) and had three-fingered paws, followed by his big ears crowned with muscular forearms.

"Try weaseling your way outta this!"

"You mean like this?" Phosphora got out her own Poke Ball and tossed it, releasing a butterfly-like Pokemon with a Garden Pattern. "Let's take the stage, Vivillon!" Over twenty patterns were known to exist in real life and in different corresponding colors; her female Vivillon, bearing a Garden Pattern (true to her former alliance with the Forces of Nature), was green.

"You think your girly butterfly can stop me from tricking people with my clown acts? Think again! Diggersby, show 'em whatcha got with Hammer Arm!"

"DIGGERRRRSSBY!!" Flailing with all his might, the large rabbit threw his most powerful Hammer Arm, just in time for Vivillon to dodge it on her trainer's command, followed by countering the attack with Psychic to inflict damage in return. Then she used Double Team next, her trainer daring Purple Basilisk to have his Diggersby use Hammer Arm again. On the second try, he succeeded...on hitting one of the duplicates instead of the real deal.

"Go ahead and laugh, Pit, but you'll soon be crying when I humiliate your girlfriend! Diggersby, Mud Shot!" But Purple Basilisk was so busy bragging about his supposedly easy victory, he forgot one obvious rule: Ground-type attacks don't work on Flying-type Pokemon, as Vivillon was a Bug/Flying-type. Flying attacks, on the other hand, are super-effective against Ground-type Pokemon, giving Phosphora an idea for her next move...

"Show that clown's Diggersby your Hurricane!"

Pit gasped. "In here?! But that could--"

"Don't worry," assured Phosphora, flashing him a wink, "she knows how to be careful, so her move doesn't wreck the arcade center by accident."

Vivillon started off by slamming Diggersby outside the building, followed by wrapping him in a fierce wind that flew up into the sky. In the end, the portly rabbit fell down into the ground, confused. Call it a cheap move as Purple Basilisk might, it was definitely far from cheap, but rather lucky on Pit and Phosphora's part, considering that Hurricane has a 30% chance of confusing the target.

The petty dictator growled, "That's it! Diggersby, boost your attack power with Swords Dance, and then use Hyper Beam!" Unfortunately, Diggersby wasted his turn by punching himself in the face in his confusion, therefore buying enough time for Phosphora to finish the fight.

"Energy Ball, GO!" Vivillon drew power from nature in the form of a green ball of light. The moment it grew into the size of a volleyball, it flew straight and fast like a cannonball, blasting Diggersby with a 10% chance of reducing his special defense by one stage. With Grass-type moves being super-effective against Ground-type Pokemon, Diggersby was unable to recover anymore, fainting on the ground and forcing Purple Basilisk to recall him.

[End BGM]

"Way to go, Phosphora!" Pit and his girlfriend high-fived each other. "Now take your act someplace else, Purple Basilisk!"

"That won't be necessary, Pit," called Officer Jenny, having arrived in her motorcycle with a Chatot on her right shoulder just in time to apprehend the petty dictator.

[Chase BGM: OrangSprint (Donkey Kong 64)]

"Uh-oh! This is the part where I split!" Outnumbered by the crowd, he put away his Poke Ball and ran as far as he could from the law.

"Nuh-uh, buster!" Jenny adjusted her sunglasses to show him she meant business. "You're going to jail with all the other clowns I arrested today!"

"Go to jail! Go to jail! RAWK!" chattered Chatot.

"If there's one thing I hate more than getting arrested by Officer Jenny..." Purple Basilisk panted in between his words. " getting arrested by a wild Officer Jenny!" To his surprise, this was the same "wild" Officer Jenny whom Ash and friends came across one time in the Sinnoh region, having transferred from the Kanto region to get a lead on Team Rocket. Apparently she came all the way over to said region to capture the bumbling Jessie, James and Meowth, and was fully aware of them having followed Ash and his Pikachu ever since Viridian City. In the end, nobody know what became of her after they heard she was reassigned to the Whirl Islands, so it was safe to assume she probably found her place in the Diamond Police Department. Perhaps it was because she catches crooks with bowling balls and, if necessary, her Chatot...

And it couldn't be more true, as Pit and Phosphora noticed her strapping on a bowling glove to her right hand, opening up what appeared to be a bowling bag, and pulling out a red bowling ball to bust Purple Basilisk with. "Wild Tornado!" Calling out the name of her ball, Jenny took a right-handed bowler's stance and released it straightforward. The humanoid snake tried blowing air from his mouth, hoping it would reduce the ball's momentum. It didn't work, so he jumped over the ball instead, only to wind up attempting a ball-walking act for the crowd. Unfortunately for him, he lost his balance and fell on his back. "OW! I call police brutality on this!"

"Wrong, Purple Basilisk! This isn't police brutality..." Officer Jenny walked over to cuff him in the back, bringing him on his feet prior to picking up her bowling ball. "This is a justified arrest!"

"You dorks just wait till I get outta jail! I'll be back with more than just a Diggersby on my Pokemon team!" That remark earned him a slap to the face, and a trip to the slammer in a backup unit's car.

[End BGM]


[Ending BGM: Cerulean City (Pokemon FireRed/LeafGreen)]

"No way! The wild Officer Jenny whom Ash, Dawn and Brock saw one time, here in Diamond City now? You never told us that!"

"That's true, Yuffie," said Pit. "Even if the police chief didn't like the way she did her work, she's still one heck of a competent officer."

The ninja girl eyed the crowd in the distance, mainly Kat and Ana, whom she accompanied to the arcade center after their lessons were over. "At least the kids here are safe once again. Ha! That jerk thought he could get away with harassing people in such a stupid disguise."

Phosphora grinned slyly. "Not anymore, thanks to my Vivillon."

"I have to get back to work now," announced Officer Jenny, "but let me give one piece of advice when dealing with deranged crooks dressed up like clowns."

"What is it?" Yuffie asked curiously, moving closer to the others in a huddle.

"Clowns HATE tangelos, so if they try something funny to get you, just pelt them with those. Screws up their equilibrium really good."


(Ending Credits)
Purple Basilisk - STEVEN JAY BLUM
Officer Jenny - LEE QUICK
Penny Crygor - JANICE KAWAYE

[End BGM]
[End Credits]

"Faster than a donut! Stronger than cardboard! I am Wario-Man!!" ~Wario (from WarioWare: Touched!)

"What is Bill Rizer? It is just the name of a single entity who has been gone for centuries." ~Master Contra (from Neo Contra)

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-A very special thanks to Kenshin (aka. Yumifan) for these sigs.-
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